Today is the third day after the wonderful experience of dancing in the pride parade, and as usual after a great experience, the day feels like “now what?” We’re in the middle of a holiday week, there won’t be any dance classes (or just a dance improvisation) to “ground myself”, and so it was a good time to schedule an overdue doctor’s appointment. I must admit I delayed because yes, I have a lot of fears around clinics and hospitals.
To make a story short and preserve the privacy of my medical history, I had an extended blood test and an EKG that day. I managed very well through the blood test… at first, printing 4 labels for 4 vials raised my anxiety level, but I went into hyper avoidance mode (I look away, close my eyes, count numbers in my head) and even managed to walk away with only a slight lightheadedness…
I kept replaying in my head that my brother mocks me every time I talk about my sensitivity around blood and needles. I knew I would never tell them, my family, about today’s feat. Yet it would be useful information to, maybe a niece or a nephew, give someone my recipe: it is similar to meditation or counting sheep when you try to fall asleep, but even more intensely blocking your senses. Yet it’s a lifetime of coping without ever telling anyone you have been masking all along.
The results come one at a time in the next 24 hours, and at first I was vindicated by the realization that I have bradycardia, which is just that due to a slow heartbeat I may feel faint after exercise. And I remember sharing with another skinny person that we are known as fainters in clinical settings! I thought I should tell my brother, to tell him he’s been laughing at a medical condition, but also that hey, I share that with athletes!
Except that the day after, the blood test results drip into my e-mail, and two aren’t so great, and the doctor calls to ask to go back for another blood test for the anemia that I have… So today I had been thinking about going to the clinic, but I now had extreme fear of it that I might not be able to manage using my method…
Combined with another obsession of the week, I became super-obsessed and decided to take a walk through the mostly quiet and beautiful streets leading to the produce market, wearing headphones… It was a surprisingly emotional walk, and I chose to keep the headphones on without music at the market, as this is a busy market with sometimes frantic customers. In fact I ended up taking a break for a minute staring at the soba noodles, and quietly ignoring the frantic customers who must choose the best check-out line and lecture others about it.
There’s a toy shop on my way, and I stop to buy a cat… I would get a live cat if only I had enough confidence that I could care for it, but my house plants have been telling me I sometimes neglect them. They’re looking at me right now. I have been neglecting my interior, in a way because my inner self had needed more attention. I’m going to say “no” to people I’ve been pestering about volunteering with them despite their apparent nonchalance about it. I am utterly confused that my glucose level is back up (seriously).
I wrote this with noise canceling headphones playing the classical music station… I think I’m ready to write about the awesome dancing experience last weekend!
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