love – Bibiane's Blog

the Healing Hearts 5K

I’m walking, not running, tomorrow in the Healing Hearts 5K around Lake Merritt in Oakland, a benefit for the Crisis Support Center of Alameda Co… Anyone can join my team here: runsignup.com/bibi

I’m never sure how to talk about attending this yearly run, as it’s sort of raising the question “why?” that I don’t really know how to explain. Yet I want to explain it here while keeping a veil on events and personal feelings.

It has been an emotional roller coaster this past year, and like many people I must turn off the news when it’s just too much to bear. Lately I went from a longer high note, to then crash in feeling unsupported. I feel that most people around me see the problems as political, not personal, so for them it’s a matter of voting at the next election. For me, every day the news want to remind everyone that trans people should be scrutinized and judged on superficial argumentation. What happened to “live and let live?”

Very early in my life, my mother wanted to steer me towards being a boy, and other adults messed with my mind a bit more, so I had a hard time relying on others for support. I turned violent against myself a few times, or readily adopted self-sacrificing ideas like fasting, but I’m also hypersensitive and intolerant of pain (it gets even more complicated, as I will hide the pain because I expect scorn from others).

So this morning, as I recovered from about a week of a combination of negative feelings (I’m aging and my body needs more maintenance), I figured it was like this: I am walking a tight rope, getting some support that feels fragile at times, and it’s hailing with hateful policies and language. I fear asking for support, because in me is this feeling that my friends could withdraw in the way the adults in my childhood withdrew and wanted to quiet me.

And so I fear telling a friend they’re important to me! But they are, and I’m anxious not to do anything that could jeopardize my fragile support system.

So that’s how I feel when I join the Healing Hearts run/walk: there is a support system when yours falls apart. And we should support that.

Ignore the Trolls

It’s been a while, I know, but if you look at the date of this post, we’re two months into the regime, and most of my time has been spent trying to shield myself from it all.
As I may have mentioned before, my Modern Dance class and teacher have been my sanctuary, but also my avenue to process my emotions. Lately I have attended often enough that I learn the choreography of the month quicker (combined with learning how to learn), and I can let the movement take over and soothe my mind. At times I have gone to class feeling desperate, and the warm-up sequences felt arduous until I had sort of a crying moment, after which I was rebuilding myself with every movement. And then I laugh whenever I forget where I am and go in the wrong direction!
In my class two days ago, I found myself next to another dancer who had made an unasked for negative comment to me before, and I was distracted by their style and presence, as if I owned the space. It was not until I chose to ignore them that I could dance freely (and frankly better). They were still there, but I deliberately ignored their presence and I was no longer distracted. I enjoyed the dance so much, and I realized that I had put myself in a leading position for others.
So that is the essence of my message today: ignore the trolls, do not engage with them. Build your own scenes, as you would in an Improv class where you leave your ego at the door. Ignore the bullies (who form the current government), and chase the old ones away from your mind. I realized the whole lot of the people in power now were like the bullies of my youth: unable to grow up, stuck in a narrative of dominating by violent words and actions.
In a sense, these modern grown bullies have helped me improve my self-esteem. My own flavor of gender dysphoria nourishes my low self-esteem, but having bullies so senselessly destroying everything around them has had the reverse effect on me. They are despicable and hateful. Why would I let any of them influence me?

Sometimes I Feel Like a Child Needing a Hand…

Sometimes I feel like a child needing a hand to go through a difficult moment, but there’s no hand… Do I mean I’m helpless? There’s a positive bent to it: most of my life I have learned to solve my own problems. But unlike the heroes in movies, I have serious vulnerabilities and I get swayed into perfect storms like the one I just experienced.

I remember High School Physics only for the demonstration of how waves interact with each other. You can experiment in a bathtub if you wish: waves originating from different sources at different frequencies add (and subtract) when they meet, and create stormy conditions. The emotional storm I was experiencing originated from nearby waves (recent interactions) with waves that have been going on in my body for decades.

I hate myself (more about that later) for even exposing that I blame my mother for several things, but other adults when I was a child were either harmful, uncaring, or just plain scary. My peers from my age group were either bullies or indifferent, and all I could really do was to try as hard as I could to bring good grades from school in order to get recognition from my mother. That was hard work also because I seemed to have trouble learning in class especially when interrogated. Several of my waves originate from events in childhood that were outright traumatic, or were themselves trauma caused by the responses to my responses to trauma. After that the best protection against the daily bullying is to make yourself as quiet and invisible as possible.

Now that decades have passed with a few episodes of self-harm, I find myself coping with gender dysphoria in my own way. It does come back, like a ghost, or… what I learned about abusive people. I feel very vulnerable, but I return kindness with extra kindness, and sometimes I have to control it so the kind people will not feel invaded by my desire to hang on. I read signs of abandonment when others are just living their own lives, and again I try to solve those issues on my own. It is very tiring, and it comes to that storm I was describing, when I try to please everyone, sacrificing myself, doing unsolicited volunteer work and then fearing the wrath of those whose work I just did. And so on and so forth.

Sorry this was as cryptic as I could make it… I don’t want to describe real situations and actual people. But in recent years, my entourage has been very positive, I find I can love people and read how much they can take. The hardest part for me is to understand that I am not the cause of someone’s sadness, and to take a step back before I try with all my capacities to fix it. That comes from a form of emotional blackmail my mother practiced with me. The sad thing is I don’t remember her being happy with me while I do remember her anger at me when I returned from school in complete distress (she was angry at the fact I had peed in my pants as a result of the chain of events that had caused it). Or when I had tripped from roller skates and hurt my knees. Or when I had been stung by wasps. They were all accidents, but somehow instead of comforting me she focused on whatever I shouldn’t have done. I have a hunch this doesn’t lead to being curious or adventurous…

After reading this text above, I hesitate to show it to anyone, but I tell myself it might help someone. Maybe parents and caregivers can be more aware of how they react to unexpected behaviors in children. Maybe other adults can learn to address their childhood issues with less harmful ways than drugs, alcohol, or self-harm. It can be daunting, because I know how easier it was to drink a bottle of wine to put myself in a slumber to forget a confrontation. Come to think of it, that will be the subject of my next post!