I’m walking, not running, tomorrow in the Healing Hearts 5K around Lake Merritt in Oakland, a benefit for the Crisis Support Center of Alameda Co… Anyone can join my team here: runsignup.com/bibi
I’m never sure how to talk about attending this yearly run, as it’s sort of raising the question “why?” that I don’t really know how to explain. Yet I want to explain it here while keeping a veil on events and personal feelings.
It has been an emotional roller coaster this past year, and like many people I must turn off the news when it’s just too much to bear. Lately I went from a longer high note, to then crash in feeling unsupported. I feel that most people around me see the problems as political, not personal, so for them it’s a matter of voting at the next election. For me, every day the news want to remind everyone that trans people should be scrutinized and judged on superficial argumentation. What happened to “live and let live?”
Very early in my life, my mother wanted to steer me towards being a boy, and other adults messed with my mind a bit more, so I had a hard time relying on others for support. I turned violent against myself a few times, or readily adopted self-sacrificing ideas like fasting, but I’m also hypersensitive and intolerant of pain (it gets even more complicated, as I will hide the pain because I expect scorn from others).
So this morning, as I recovered from about a week of a combination of negative feelings (I’m aging and my body needs more maintenance), I figured it was like this: I am walking a tight rope, getting some support that feels fragile at times, and it’s hailing with hateful policies and language. I fear asking for support, because in me is this feeling that my friends could withdraw in the way the adults in my childhood withdrew and wanted to quiet me.
And so I fear telling a friend they’re important to me! But they are, and I’m anxious not to do anything that could jeopardize my fragile support system.
So that’s how I feel when I join the Healing Hearts run/walk: there is a support system when yours falls apart. And we should support that.
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